Chris J Powell

Life Hands You a Lemon…What do You Do???

Life Hands You a Lemon…What do You Do???

Life can be a cruel and fickle task master some times and the past 32 days has proven that life is not all rosy, in fact this past month has been by far the most challenging that I have experienced.  The amount of loss that I am experiencing right now, at this moment is almost too much to bear…and that is what has landed me firmly in the hands of a Mental Health In Patient Facility! For anyone who may feel that there is no where to turn, and that life has you to the darkest depths of you own existence, reach out…to whom ever will listen.  Ask and Ask and Ask again until someone listens. For many years, I pushed down the deep and powerful feeling that I had no business being here anymore and the world would be better off without me.  I choked that feeling down, chewing and stewing as I went.  That pit and ball of anxiety and depression bubbling up from time to time that left me a little more broken. In July of 2015 … Read more

A Broken Heart…Not Easily Mended

A Broken Heart…Not Easily Mended

Loss is something that hits all many times in our lives.  That loss can come from relationship breakdowns, separation from family, financial ruin or the unplanned career changes.  The worst and personally most difficult to deal with is the loss of a family member. I have had experience with this type of loss in the past.  It has not been easy…it has been painful. The hardest to deal with though is when it is not a member of your direct family…but when someone you love deeply looses someone, I find it doubly difficult to adapt, cope and deal with all the emotions and turmoil. Most recently, a great man left us.  He had many challenges that in his 7 decades of life he was not able to fully overcome.  His actions always spoke volumes for the man he was though and even though part of the legacy that he will leave is memories and challenges, he will be deeply missed. This great man, while not related to me by blood or by marriage (just 29 days until I could call … Read more

Preparing for a Fresh Start

Preparing for a Fresh Start

As I sit here this morning, enjoying another cup of coffee and reflect back on what I have done with my life in the past 42 years I really don’t have many regrets, although the ones that I do have are pretty big.  My life path has changed a few times over those years but I am, for the most part happy with where I sit today. Later this morning I head off on an interview.  I don’t know much about the company or its product and I know that the job itself will be relatively hum drum but considering the health issues that I have been battling with, right now a pay check is what I need, not a life changing career that will have be being an international globe trotting superstar. In the past, I have worked really hard to be the best in what ever profession I was in that itself has caused me a lot of stress and had me setting expectations upon myself that were not only difficult to live up to, but also set … Read more

Depression and Anxiety Mixed with Pain

Depression and Anxiety Mixed with Pain

It has been a rough ride for me for the past several months.  From a 4 month head ache, to an abscessed tooth to a flare up of my Psoriasis I have been left with an immutable amount of confusion and frustration over the current state of my life.  All of this combined with a job that saw me making less and less despite doing and accomplishing more and more, the rabbit hole that is my Anxiety came full force and drove me deep into the underground that I sometimes find myself in. It was my personal battle with Anxiety that has had me in and out of jobs and unfortunately there does not seem to be a real solution to “getting better”, and when you mix in the amount of real pain that I am in EVERY DAY it leaves me wondering what good am I doing for anyone. Then I take a step back and realize that I am not the only one going through these challenges, and I am definitely not the worst off out there, but … Read more

Exploration of Pain

Exploration of Pain

Having been in excruciating pain for 29 of the last 30 days I figured I would look a little deeper into what this discomfort that I have been suffering through could be…and I was truly surprised by what I found when I went out looking.  I do know that each person has different pain tolerances and while my own tolerance is high, I would never be foolish enough to compare the pain that I have been having to something like childbirth (but then again that is over and done with relatively quickly in comparison to 30 days of constant pain). At Wikipedia a nice concise definition presents itself and starts to put things into perspective: Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage, or described in terms of such damage. I am a person who likes to compare and look at the data that is in front of me so beyond Wikipedia I looked to two other sources for some facts about pain.  The Canadian Pain Society and the International Association for the … Read more

Personal Challenges – Almost 3 Weeks in Pain

Personal Challenges – Almost 3 Weeks in Pain

The past 2 weeks have been more than a bit of a challenge.  I am now on day 18 with a splitting headache that varies between a cluster headache behind my right eye and a full migraine that has me praying for release.  This week there was some progress towards finding out what is going on but I will have to wait 109 days to have the diagnosis and hopefully solution to the cause of my excruciating pain. The worst of it is, I have 8 bottle of pills that I could be taking to provide me with relief but after a bout of seizures and then tremours I am leery of taking anything to provide me with relief which means I sit in the dark, doing as little as possible. My only relief seems to be the quiet playing of Acoustic Blues in a constant loop. This is the first time since the headache came on that I have even come close to feeling like myself enough to sit down and really think about this blog and the things … Read more

2015 Starting Off – Well Scary

2015 Starting Off – Well Scary

I ended 2014 in the hospital…and 2015 started off a similar way.  I must say that the great big piece of grey matter between my ears is a mysterious and complicated machine that seems to be more than a little bit off lately.   I am less than a patient guy, I like to see things in front of me and come up with the answers and the fact that the high speed internet connection that follows me around like a guide to all the information in the world has had me more than a little scared about what the cause of this now week old headache could be. 2 trips to the hospital and still no answers what so ever…in fact my visit to the emergency room yesterday was a complete waste of time, other than the resident doctor who saw me was able to get the ball rolling for further tests…I just don’t know when it will happen. That internet connection that I spoke of has me all to frequently going to WebMD, Yahoo! Health and ZocDoc and … Read more

Hitting the Pause Button

Hitting the Pause Button

How I wish that life had a Pause Button…or even better a Rewind Button.  This past week has been more than a little tough and has caused me more than a little confusion and pain because as we enter into the Holiday Season….this will be the first time that I will be doing it all without my family.  Sure, I am building a new future and will have nearly two weeks with my wonderful daughter but the concept of walking everywhere does not really apply when those who you should spend the holidays with are all a 24 hour trek up the road. My hitting the Pause Button this week on nearly all of my online activities has meant a little bit too much time to reflect on what my future will hold and the wrong path’s I have taken in the past. To all who I may have wronged…I would like to say I am sorry but I am not going to dwell on what happened…only on what will happen. The challenges and struggles that we each face are as … Read more

Reflection in the Face of Adversity

Reflection in the Face of Adversity

The past 15 months have been more than a little challenging and my life has been filled with ups, downs and sideways twists.  As we close out 2014 I want to look back and reflect on the good and bad things that have happened in my life and really focus on how I can prepare to make 2015 a year to remember…not for the challenges but for the successes. Don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of good things that happened to me, but for the most part, those good things were wrapped up in darkness and it was only through really looking for the good in it, was I able to come out the other side…whole.  The following is one of those sentences that no English teacher would ever say was ok…but you see…I just have to get it out. You see, in the past 15 months I was asked to walk away from a company that I still to this day have strong connections to and if asked would go back without hesitation, I lost my Grandfather … Read more

Not Myself Today

Not Myself Today

The past couple of days have been more challenging than normal for me (or at least what my new normal is).  For those who don’t know me well and for those just stumbling upon this site for the first time…I have a couple of not so unique challenges that I face every day and every day those challenges are things that I need to over come just to be able to breath and put on a brave face.  The cathartic nature of writing though does help me put many things into perspective and so I put hand to keyboard to let some of the challenges I face be shared with you. There are lots of memes out there that go through the process of the wounds that many of us carry and that the deepest scars are the ones that can not be seen, those that live below the skin and tug at the very things that make us able to interact, live and be around others. For the most part, my life is pretty good, I don’t have a … Read more