Life has a funny way of reminding you that Destiny and Fate are fickle. As I sit here and contemplate what my future may hold I try to look at the positive aspects that I have built around me over the past few months in this crazy time of regeneration and building a new me and then the negatives that always seem to creep in come and smack me square in the face.
Reality is, the life that I have now is a shell of what I had and that can be expected as I start over…but starting over is one thing…starting over with nothing…well that just sucks.
The dark place that these thoughts take me to are a stark reminder that while I have removed myself from the two conditions that inflame the Anxiety…the situations and the potentials that are out there still come in to cause me pain and misery. I wouldn’t say that I am depressed but I am definitely off today and that is not a good thing.
Maybe it is this Summer Cold that crept in on me yesterday and smacked me square in the guts leaving me wondering how I am going to be able to make the trek to work when I can’t even sit for 20 minutes without running to the bathroom (yeah I know…too much information).
You see, I thought that I had it all. I had a good job, a family and what I thought was a pretty bright future and then it all came crashing down around me because I didn’t and still don’t handle stress all that well.
Hell, yesterday my heart was beating so hard I thought it was going to jump out of my chest and onto my cubicle style desk in front of me…and it once again hit me…my Grand Reset took me back 10 + years to my time working in a Call Centre…I hated that job and the jobs that came after it.
Sure I am good at it…but every call, every angry customer it takes a little bit of you and chews you up inside…combine that with multitude of financial issues that seeing my income cut by 2/3’s has done and I come to a sudden realization that I can’t build a life with this, I need more.
So I took a deep breath this morning and thought again about the good things in my life…placing focus on what really is important and while for every Step that I take Forward, life may force me to take 2 backwards..what is the alternative…let life push me around…not going to happen.
While my inner battle will likely never be completely over, and when you see me…you may not know if the smile that I wear is real or pretend…know this:
In the immortal words of Timbuk3: My Future’s So Bright…I Gotta Wear Shades