I am finding it increasingly hard to sit down at the computer and not open up completely and just lay everything out about me in one fell swoop. Sure it would take me several hours to complete and would probably be among the most boring works of non-fiction ever put out there but then I could say it is done and over with…this is Krispy.
But where would the fun be in that.
As much as I dislike sharing, I have found that every little glimpse that I provide into who I am is a cathartic release for me in the metamorphosis that is taking place in my life. In many ways I hope that I am much like the ugly caterpillar who at the end of its growth will go to sleep in its chrysalis and awake a butterfly…but then reality sets in and I realize that the pain that I have gone through, the challenges that I have faced, have brought me to this place, a cross roads and it is not about destiny or fate…it is about choices. Choices I have made in the past, choices that I will make today and choices that I will make in the future.
All of this compounds to make a layered and ever more complex version of ourselves. It is all of this that make each of us interesting. Unique. Annoying. Complex. Peal away these layers as I will do each Manic Monday and I hope that I will reveal that not only is it normal to be screwed up, messed up or down right crazy some times…the feelings and the thoughts that I have can hopefully bring some measure of peace to someone out there that is challenged with some of the same things that I have been facing.
I am not always calm and collected. There are many times that there is an inner voice inside of me that just wants to scream, yell and tear out…but the better part of me keeps this in check for the most part…the problem is that this inner battle between anger and stability leaves a void…and that void causes extreme fits of anxiety when I get stressed.
I am a 41 year old cry baby…yep…I can not effectively control it. I am not actually sad, upset or even angry when it happens…it just comes out at times that I am not able to channel my emotions effectively. This layer of Krispy is always close to the surface and has been a touchy subject for me over the past year.
It contributed to my not being a Sales Guy any more, it definitely contributed to the disintegration of an almost 16 year marriage but more importantly it has been an on going battle that I see being played out behind the eyes of my wonderful daughter as well.
The layers that make up each one of us are much like the layers of an onion…each held up to the light is transparent but when combined…they make us whole.
I find that these Manic Monday Posts help me to get out into the open what scares me most and that is revealing too much about myself to others…because that is what MEN are supposed to be. We are Strong, We are Providers, We are Protectors! Screw that. We are Human, We are Flawed, We are Fallible and you know what…to accept those 3 things will mean the difference between me being happy and strong, or continue to spiral downward and into oblivion.
Today I choose to be happy and strong (tired and frustrated thanks to the neighbours dog the past two nights) and that is a choice that I will strive to make every morning when I wake up and start my day.