Recent actions by others in my life have caused me to do a whole lot of introspection lately. Having gone through a terrifying time with my Mother’s Battle with Cancer (so far so good – the surgery went well, she is home and on the mend in a big way) but now I am faced with one of the biggest challenges of my adult life…moving on alone.
I am now single (well sort of) and one of the biggest threats to my mental stability continues to breach itself in very ugly ways. The debt that I brought with me leaving my 16 year marriage and I am really wondering if it is possible to make it through this really tough time right now. To top things off, my daughter (the one true love of my life) is moving 45 minutes away to live with her Mom so now I have to really focus on the grand plan of a reset.
But what do I reset and what do I keep the same? I poured over everything that I have been in the last 2 decades and really can’t figure out if I need to completely reinvent who I am or if I should just take a different path. It has been tough but then an action that was beyond my control happened and then it was as if a light bulb went over my head.
I went to bed incredibly early yesterday…just after 9 PM. Not because I was feeling sick or was really even tired…I needed time to process the many moving parts of what I was going to do.
For those who know me, I am a planner. I look at the options and I play out scenarios in my head. Most are worst case, but I do throw in the good things too (to find a balance that because of my anxiety rarely occurs) but I think I have the good basis for a plan.
I look back at my 42 years and everything that has happened to me in the past has brought me to this very moment. The good things and the bad all come together to form the person that I am, the attitudes that I have and the quirks, illnesses and challenges that continue to haunt me every day. But that person that I am…is not all that bad.
This very moment as I write this, I am facing a massive burden of debt, an apartment that is not suitable for long term habitation with my child, a girlfriend that I care for deeply and a job that really will not give me a chance to take care of everything that I want.
The simple solution would be to quit my job, start fresh and move on, making more money and all will be good. Most of the scenarios that I played out in my head said that the options that I do have would likely improve most of my situations but as I play out the longer term future…I would most likely be facing many of the challenges that I don’t want to have in my life as I approach my 50th birthday so I take a step back from the good and look to the bad and then play out the same scenarios with my employment situation the same…but in looking at adding something that I have always wanted for myself…FREEDOM.
Yes that is the answer. The grand reset will start. Hitting the do over button is not possible but I can take this time of instability and choices and just pause…close all the hang ups that I have and restart my life. So maybe Reset is not the right term…Restart…that is what I am going to do. That is the advantage of playing the long game…perspective!