Chris J Powell

Depression and Anxiety Mixed with Pain

It has been a rough ride for me for the past several months.  From a 4 month head ache, to an abscessed tooth to a flare up of my Psoriasis I have been left with an immutable amount of confusion and frustration over the current state of my life.  All of this combined with a job that saw me making less and less despite doing and accomplishing more and more, the rabbit hole that is my Anxiety came full force and drove me deep into the underground that I sometimes find myself in. It was my personal battle with Anxiety that has had me in and out of jobs and unfortunately there does not seem to be a real solution to “getting better”, and when you mix in the amount of real pain that I am in EVERY DAY it leaves me wondering what good am I doing for anyone. Then I take a step back and realize that I am not the only one going through these challenges, and I am definitely not the worst off out there, but … Read more

Hitting the Pause Button

How I wish that life had a Pause Button…or even better a Rewind Button.  This past week has been more than a little tough and has caused me more than a little confusion and pain because as we enter into the Holiday Season….this will be the first time that I will be doing it all without my family.  Sure, I am building a new future and will have nearly two weeks with my wonderful daughter but the concept of walking everywhere does not really apply when those who you should spend the holidays with are all a 24 hour trek up the road. My hitting the Pause Button this week on nearly all of my online activities has meant a little bit too much time to reflect on what my future will hold and the wrong path’s I have taken in the past. To all who I may have wronged…I would like to say I am sorry but I am not going to dwell on what happened…only on what will happen. The challenges and struggles that we each face are as … Read more

Not Myself Today

The past couple of days have been more challenging than normal for me (or at least what my new normal is).  For those who don’t know me well and for those just stumbling upon this site for the first time…I have a couple of not so unique challenges that I face every day and every day those challenges are things that I need to over come just to be able to breath and put on a brave face.  The cathartic nature of writing though does help me put many things into perspective and so I put hand to keyboard to let some of the challenges I face be shared with you. There are lots of memes out there that go through the process of the wounds that many of us carry and that the deepest scars are the ones that can not be seen, those that live below the skin and tug at the very things that make us able to interact, live and be around others. For the most part, my life is pretty good, I don’t have a … Read more

48 hours – What Would You Do?

One of the harshest realities that I face today is only having 48 hours to spend with my daughter.  It is tough.  I go through the week wondering what she is doing, how she is getting along and how her new life 50+ km away is progressing and I count the minutes until I see her next.  I have just 48 hours to spend with her each week and that really hurts.  It leaves a pain inside of me that comes out with every breath. I don’t think I will ever get used to this new reality that I face and I have never looked forward to the Christmas Break, Holidays and even PD Days as much as I do right now. My daughter gives me hope that my tomorrow will live on, no matter what I accomplish in my life, she is the single greatest thing that I have ever done. Being alone is a terrible sinking feeling and more than once I have felt the tingling feeling of depression creeping in upon me bu then I stop and … Read more

Today, Tomorrow and Forever

Life has a funny way of kicking you in the teeth sometimes.  Sunday’s are usually reserved for a review of a Linux Operating System but today I find myself sitting in a cafe while my dirty clothes are scrubbed, spun and dried and I can’t help but think…why me? If I could get a do over on the past year I would gladly take it but then again, I would not be the person that I am had it not been for the challenges that I have faced in my past…you see despite the fact that I have lost so much in the past year…I have gained so much as well. You see that is the funny thing about Mental Illness, the darkness comes from everywhere and often times when you least expect it.  I have spent many a night tossing and turning trying to make sense of the thoughts and emotions that come over me and then I realize that the waves of pain that hit me…are not all of it is bad or negative (although the reality is…most … Read more

Life Ain't Easy…But It Is Life!

There has been much talk around Facebook & Twitter about the tragic death of Robin Williams who succumbed to the inner demons that Depression bring out.  Depression is a silent killer that takes hold of more than 121 million people around the world each year according to the Conference Board of Canada and it is estimated that 1 in 5 people will experience some form of Mental Illness at some point in their lives.  That in of itself is a scary number, but what is even scarier is that fact that almost 2/3 of those people will never seek help for the voices of doubt that creep in upon them. My personal experiences with the demons of Depression, Anxiety and Panic are well documented and so is the lack of support that is actually available.  It lead to the loss of income, a marriage and thinking back, the estrangement of friends and family through out my 42 years.  It is funny that a disease that affects so many actually has far less support from the medical community here in Canada and … Read more

Sappy…Yes! Freaked Out…Sure! Ready…Um?

The single greatest life change that I have experienced in all my 42 years is about to happen.  Just 6 days from now a chapter will close on my life, never to be reopened.  I will venture out into the world, alone and more than a little freaked out by the entire set of circumstances that has transpired over the past several months.  I think back to the past 2 decades of my life and the choices, decisions and major events in my life and I really think that I am in an okay place right now. I got up a little bit earlier today and went over to and took a scroll through the compilation of pretty amazing pictures like the one above of a Smiling Sun.  I think that it really is important for each one of us out there to make a conscious decision to Smile and I don’t mean that fake smile we tend to put on for people around us…I mean that genuine real smile that we only have when we don’t think people are … Read more

Today, Tomorrow and Forever!

OK so this is a Tech Blog…for the most part.  I take the time each Monday to express and share some of the challenges, struggles and hard fought battles that I have gone through with my own inner struggle with Anxiety, Depression and Loss.  The past 6 months have been a real challenge for me but despite hitting rock bottom (or at least I hope that it was rock bottom) about 7 weeks ago, I am coming out of it stronger, better and amazingly enough…medication free. Here in London, Canada (and for the most part all across this great country) there is a shortage of Psychiatrists.  I have been on a waiting list to get in to see one for 18 months now and when my family doctor prescribed several different Anxiety medications to me last year, I couldn’t help but feel like I was just being pushed out the revolving door for the next patient.  The underlying issues were still there and the triggers that caused the Stress, Anxiety and Depression were still an ever present threat to my … Read more

The Layers that Make Up All Of Us

I am finding it increasingly hard to sit down at the computer and not open up completely and just lay everything out about me in one fell swoop.  Sure it would take me several hours to complete and would probably be among the most boring works of non-fiction ever put out there but then I could say it is done and over with…this is Krispy. But where would the fun be in that. As much as I dislike sharing, I have found that every little glimpse that I provide into who I am is a cathartic release for me in the metamorphosis that is taking place in my life.  In many ways I hope that I am much like the ugly caterpillar who at the end of its growth will go to sleep in its chrysalis and awake a butterfly…but then reality sets in and I realize that the pain that I have gone through, the challenges that I have faced, have brought me to this place, a cross roads and it is not about destiny or fate…it is about … Read more

Getting to Know My New Best Friend…

I have decided to create a new category for Mondays.  It used to be about Social Media but I am pulling away from the need and desire to be Social Media Whore so I am going to be spending Monday’s exploring the quirks and strangeness that makes Krispy, well Krispy.  Looking deep inside myself and helping to transform into something better.  I figured Manic Mondays is a good working title…start the Work Week just right and hey…the Bangles had a hit back in 1985 with that title! For years I just figured that I was destined to be in a near constant state of being awake.  It would not be uncommon for me to be awake, alert and for the most part functioning for days (72 hours without sleep was not uncommon in my first 40 years).  The reality was, when I would get into one of my productivity binges I would do a lot of things that normally would not get done so not only did I think was normal, I looked forward to my times of insomnia…and then … Read more