One of the harshest realities that I face today is only having 48 hours to spend with my daughter. It is tough. I go through the week wondering what she is doing, how she is getting along and how her new life 50+ km away is progressing and I count the minutes until I see her next. I have just 48 hours to spend with her each week and that really hurts. It leaves a pain inside of me that comes out with every breath.
I don’t think I will ever get used to this new reality that I face and I have never looked forward to the Christmas Break, Holidays and even PD Days as much as I do right now.
My daughter gives me hope that my tomorrow will live on, no matter what I accomplish in my life, she is the single greatest thing that I have ever done.
Being alone is a terrible sinking feeling and more than once I have felt the tingling feeling of depression creeping in upon me bu then I stop and think of her and her decision to take on a new life with her mother and this pause causes me strength. You see, the choice she made was not to spite me or to side with her mother; in what could have been an ugly custody battle…no it was because when she made this decision…she looked at me and said these words that will forever fortify my resolve to be the best that I can be:
Daddy, I am going with Mom not because I love her more, but because I know you will be Okay with out me.
Okay is maybe not the right word, and the wound is still fresh and deep but she made a very adult decision, with very little time to make it and that strength that she showed that fateful Friday is more than enough to keep the darkness away.
Sure, I am building new bridges and the changes all around me seem at times to be piling up and building new walls of a new future…but I still miss her. I miss our nightly walks, the Daddy’s Days Out and now I find myself choosing to look at the daily exploration of a fathers love for his little girl. This is something that can not be torn down by distance or time.
She is not so little anymore…but she is my Little Girl!!!