It has been a rough ride for me for the past several months. From a 4 month head ache, to an abscessed tooth to a flare up of my Psoriasis I have been left with an immutable amount of confusion and frustration over the current state of my life. All of this combined with a job that saw me making less and less despite doing and accomplishing more and more, the rabbit hole that is my Anxiety came full force and drove me deep into the underground that I sometimes find myself in.
It was my personal battle with Anxiety that has had me in and out of jobs and unfortunately there does not seem to be a real solution to “getting better”, and when you mix in the amount of real pain that I am in EVERY DAY it leaves me wondering what good am I doing for anyone.
Then I take a step back and realize that I am not the only one going through these challenges, and I am definitely not the worst off out there, but it does not change the fact that I am living in my own reality. With my own real world challenges, fears and pains.
I put these words out there for the world to read and wonder, “Is anyone really reading the message behind the words?”
I may be finding myself in a very dark place right now, but I know deep down that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Sure, my physical health is important and if I can get a handle on some of the stress that has my Psoriasis flaring up and making it nearly impossible to even type this post I would be far better off, but the reality is, I can not gain access to the treatment that had held this disease in check for the past 6 years and I really don’t know what my next course of action is because I burned a particular bridge with my Dermatologist a while back.
As my skin fights my every movement, it drives the feelings of despair deeper into my consciousness so that these seeds of despair start to take root and start to control who I am…and that in and of itself is a dangerous game of cat and mouse that for me, is the toughest part about living with depression and anxiety.
Next comes the people around me. Oh yes people who placate and say that things will get better, or suck it up and move on. Easier said than done. You see, I can’t move on. Even going out of the house at this point I have to plan for about 3 hours, applying several layers of oils and creams so that I can actually walk for more than 5 minutes. 1 year ago this week, I lost everything that I had and that memory jumps out at me like a heavy hand and slaps me in the face.
Moving on, moving out and moving around…well that would be easy if I could do any of that. The tranquility of a walk is really what allowed me to deal with the anxious thoughts and feelings of pain that my own mental instability have had to play on where I am in this world today.
So before anyone asks, thinks or contemplates…no I have no desire, to end things…that is not the place that my depression takes me. For me the mental state that I am in seems far different than the standard insights that you read about in the cathartic Mental Health Blogs out there. For me, the depression and anxiety causes a continual feeling of self doubt and building of a long list of conspiracies against me.
I am not myself today, and won’t be for a while…but I am working through the mental part of my situation, the physical part…well that should be interesting as over the next couple of weeks, I am hoping to finally have some answers to the headaches and seizures as my next round of testing happens on Wednesday, and then I finally get to see the Neurologist in two weeks.
Well, that is my post for the day.
Remember that no matter how bad it gets for you…someone else has it far worse…it is what helps me get through the day. It isn’t much, but it is something to grab hold of in the moment.