A couple of months ago when it became obvious that my future would be my own and I would not have the support of someone else to get through the tough spots in life anymore I must say that I was starting to wonder if I would be really able to be Happy. Sure, I could put on a rare smile and go through the motions but considering my history with borderline depression and frequent bouts of Anxiety I was wondering if it was possible to be “really” happy and not just the outer shell of happy that I let others see.
The first two weeks of July I got to spend with the best girl one could possibly ask for, my smart, beautiful and wise beyond her years 14 year old daughter. I learned so much about myself by hanging out with her, going for our little adventures and focusing on just one thing…being there for her because I realized that as hard as this new reality was for me…it was twice as hard for her.
Waking up and getting a hug goodbye before heading off to work made it all seem right…even if it was still hard to cope. As great as having my daughter with me was…I let some things take a back seat.
I have made a lot of concessions and trade offs in this life and for the most part, my happiness has always taken a back seat while I put others first.
I thought that moving on alone was my destiny. Many times I felt that I didn’t deserve to be able to be Happy and that being alone was what it was going to be for me. I would have my family but that was it…I would grow old in my “bachelor pad” and that was it. But I now realize that Happiness is something that every person deserves.
Shortly after moving away from the 17 year relationship with my Ex, I did decide that going it alone was not a long term option, but may be a reality. I was not sure if I really wanted to move on…and then something unexpected happened. I met someone that brought many, many things about myself to bear. I realized that we only have one life to live and we need to live it to the maximum.
I didn’t keep this new relationship a secret but I have also not flaunted it in front of the world either…but I am now making a conscious decision that it is time. She makes me happy.
I mean really happy.
The funny thing about this new reality that I live in is that I am taking it one day at a time. The feelings that I have for her are different from what I have ever felt. When I am close to her, or even thinking about her, I feel like a teenager again.
I find myself counting the days, minutes and sometimes even the seconds until I get to see her again and this is a great feeling.
I want to climb on top of a mountain and shout her name.
I have found my happiness.
I have found what may be the thing that makes me more than what I was.
The emptiness that I had…while not completely filled…is not nearly as deep as it once was.
This is not a matter of me trying to replace anything. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like there is someone out there that really gets me…and I get them.
As she was leaving this morning to grab a cab to go to work…I wanted to say…don’t go, I have something to tell you…but I figured this little act of letting the world know would be just as good.
So, I am changing my Facebook Relationship Status…I am moving on from the past and moving forward with my future.
Life is about the forward momentum and right now, in this moment…I like the direction that I am going.