How I wish that life had a Pause Button…or even better a Rewind Button. This past week has been more than a little tough and has caused me more than a little confusion and pain because as we enter into the Holiday Season….this will be the first time that I will be doing it all without my family. Sure, I am building a new future and will have nearly two weeks with my wonderful daughter but the concept of walking everywhere does not really apply when those who you should spend the holidays with are all a 24 hour trek up the road.
My hitting the Pause Button this week on nearly all of my online activities has meant a little bit too much time to reflect on what my future will hold and the wrong path’s I have taken in the past.
To all who I may have wronged…I would like to say I am sorry but I am not going to dwell on what happened…only on what will happen.
The challenges and struggles that we each face are as unique and individual as the snow flakes that I am sure will be returning here to South Western Ontario in the near future.
2014 is closing out…I will not miss this year. Too many bad things happened…but when I stop to think about all those bad things…I stumble across some pretty great things too.
As much as I have changed…I have at the same time remained very much the person I have always been.
I am more grounded and realistic today, and while I still like to dream big and plan out my future…I do find myself living day by day far more often…and this lets me take in the wonders that this life has to offer.
The Pause Button this week was brought on by a couple of things:
- Starting a new Shift at Work – Working afternoons and not starting until noon has flipped my personal life upside down. I am still waking up at the same time, but everything about my days is really hell bent on what happens after 9:30 PM when I get home, and the relearning what I need to do in the productive hours of the morning has been a bit of a challenge but I think that I have a handle on what I need to do.
- Tooth Pain – Nothing says life is real than the sharp, never ending pain that a broke tooth brings. My “cheapness” once again has me living with more pain than I should have to endure. I should head off to a dentist, but I know that my benefits won’t cover everything…and I am not really keen on spending good money on something that a pair of pliers and a bottle of Tylenol should be able to fix…but then I think…home dentistry is not really something that I should start to practice at my age!
- Mental Health – The frustrations of my life seem to have crept back into my psyche. I can feel the anger bubbling up, and the bile churning and this is not a good place. When I get this way…I tend to sink deep into myself and try to fix what ails me. Good thing is, I am alone now and the time that I spend focused inwardly does not affect others as much…but anti-social behaviour is not really conducive to starting a new life…so I need to get better at channeling this razor focus that tends to come during these episodes.
- Dealing with Loss – The memory of my Grandfather crept back into my life this week with the 1st Anniversary of his death. It has not been easy knowing that this man, who gave so much of himself to everyone who knew him, is not here anymore…but then when I look up and see the special gift I received from him on my 40th birthday…I know that as the blades of the beer can airplane turn…he is there, I just have to open my eyes and open my heart and remember that the things that he taught me over the years are still very much there.
The Play Button has now been pressed. I am back. I still have all the inner challenges I had last week, but now I am moving past them…or rather moving with them. You see the battle scars that we each wear…they are what defines us.
Strength does not come from lifting weights or pumping iron…strength comes from living within our own skin…that skin that we present to the world around us.
The cathartic and healing power of sharing this with the world like this is what really keeps me going. Even if no one chooses to read it in its entirety…it is like a personal journal that I can put out there for the world to see.