Chris J Powell

Not Myself Today

The past couple of days have been more challenging than normal for me (or at least what my new normal is).  For those who don’t know me well and for those just stumbling upon this site for the first time…I have a couple of not so unique challenges that I face every day and every day those challenges are things that I need to over come just to be able to breath and put on a brave face.  The cathartic nature of writing though does help me put many things into perspective and so I put hand to keyboard to let some of the challenges I face be shared with you.

There are lots of memes out there that go through the process of the wounds that many of us carry and that the deepest scars are the ones that can not be seen, those that live below the skin and tug at the very things that make us able to interact, live and be around others.

For the most part, my life is pretty good, I don’t have a lot of money right now but that is ok, the job that I have lets me focus on the things that are important to me right now…and let me lay the foundation for the future…but lately, even the easy nature of my job have been presenting some unique challenges for me that have me set off in directions that I don’t like to go in.

Here in Canada we have a Mental Health Awareness campaign funded by the Partners for Mental Health called “Not Myself Today” and lately, I have been feeling that something has been sending me back to the dark place that caused the reboot of my life earlier this year.

For those who don’t know, I am part of that wonderful statistic that states 1 in 5 people in your life, suffer from Mental Illness.  I have been diagnosed with both Depression and General Anxiety Disorder and while the medication that was prescribed to me did absolutely nothing to assist in controlling the Anxiety…I have been for the most part been able to keep the extremes of my life in check with focus, determination and the skills that I picked up while in Therapy a couple of years ago.

The challenge for me though…when too many things collide in my life…it gets really hard to prioritize which things I should work through, which I should ignore and which I should crush down and walk past.

I have not been myself for more than a few days now.

The pit of anger boils inside of me and like a case of bad indigestion, the feelings want to leap forward.

While the uncontrolled fits of tears and weepy sadness are a thing of the past…anger is one of those emotions that is not good to have go unchecked.

I find myself going through my physical and mental checklists every morning now…taking deep breaths and putting as much focus into the individual tasks that I have so that I can best prioritize what I need to do at any given moment…but this then leads me to ignoring other things and some of the things that I ignore are very important to me.

For anyone who comes across this post, and feels alone and thinks that these feelings are something that only happens to them…you are not alone.

Find solace in the fact that despite the challenges you face…there is hope.  There is light within the darkness that sometimes feels all consuming.  I know that I will be back to myself soon…but for now:

Notmyselftoday.ca_

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