There are many times in my 41 years on this planet that I wish I had a do over. The past seven months have been a roller coaster of emotional traumas and the events that have transpired have forced me to really think and evaluate what is important to me. I have read books, watched documentaries and tried to figure out the meaning of it all and amazingly, I think I have postulated the answer that I need right now…and that is…
The one thing that I am finding though is that saying it and being it are two distinctly different things.
Losing my job in September…that was like a body blow from Mike Tyson. It left a huge void, but at the same time it opened up new worlds of possibilities…but then jumping into another Sales Job in December…it wasn’t what I wanted and I was just trying to fill the void and it left an ever expanding empty feeling inside. This void caused continuous conflict in my life that was neither healthy or productive. Even though things were looking up financially through February and March…it was time to say goodbye to Sales.
The loss of two good men, my Grandfather William Cassel the FIRST and my mother’s long time partner Bob McNichol well that was the right and the left that blind sided me right before Christmas and started a wild spiral of questioning a lot of things in my life. I became lost in work…focusing on that at the exclusion of everything else in life…including my wife and daughter. As the four walls of my home office closed around me…I knew that even as I was starting to see the rewards of my hard work…I had to get out and not be a Sales Guy anymore.
For all of my friends and family it is time to stop hiding from a truth that I was embarrassed to admit but after almost 16 years, my wife and I are parting ways. It is not on bad terms, in fact we are getting along better than we have in years and as much as it saddens me to know that of all the things I could fail at, being a good husband was not one of the things that I thought would top the list but we grew apart and even with all the good times we shared…being together is not what is, was or will be right for either of us.
I have told very few people these things but my battles with Anxiety and Depression recently have had me realize that change is not only constant…it is Cathartic. I don’t know what I want but:
For those who will join me in my new journey…I look forward to walking with you. For those who chose not to, farewell…what I need you no longer can provide. For those I will meet along the way…hold on, its bound to be a bumpy ride.
In Part Two…I start to look at my new beginnings. As I emerge from my chrysalis and spread my wings and try to find what Happiness really is.